It’s Not What I Thought

Thanks be to God for His glory is within me!

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I was going to try to start this post all catchy and stuff but then I realized I don’t need a tag-line to talk about Jesus. Being a Christian isn’t anything like I ever anticipated. 

I found the Truth in high school and called myself a Christian. But honestly, I wasn’t saved. I truly came to Christ on my own terms in September. Here’s the reality I’ve come to face these past few months: being a Christian is the most painful thing you’ll experience. 

I have lost so many people in my life whom I thought were good friends until I saw what a true, Godly friendship was through a girl I met in Cru named Joanna. After meeting and bonding with her, I stepped back to look at everyone in my life and realized I wouldn’t settle for friends who came to me when they needed something or only when my friendship eased their burdens. I wanted friends who sought me out when I was drowning from fear and faithlessness. But also friends who joyfully celebrated the big milestones. I wanted to be unconditionally, genuinely, and faithfully loved. 

I hurt my family. My nasty tongue and painful actions tore my relationships apart. I didn’t talk to the majority of my family for months at one point. And if you know me, you know how important my family is to me. Seeing how Jesus loved all people made me want to love my family better and be a better sister/daughter/cousin/niece. 

I have also had to face the reality of who I was before coming to the foot of the Cross. I was a liar, I used manipulation to get everything I wanted in life, I partied, and worst of all I hated who I was. Everyday. I struggled to look in the mirror so I hid myself in desperate attempts to get attention from anyone anywhere. And that hurt. Oh my, it was the most painful process to work through. To look at every aspect of my life and let Jesus change me bit by bit was so incredibly tough. 

Thankfully, God’s grace isn’t based on me. 

The “Christian lifestyle” looked happy-go-lucky from the outside. I thought being a Christian meant I’d always be satisfied and life would just work itself out. That I wouldn’t face anything too terrible and everything would be easier. But that’s not the reality of following Jesus. The mountains and the valleys grow us every single day. Everything the Lord places in our path is intentional, and the pain we feel is never in vain. 

He took this angry, hateful girl and turned me into who I’m still growing into today. I begged for change from the inside out, and I got it. I’ve learned to surrender, but not quit. All I had to do was take my hand off the doorknob, allowing doors to close so He could open others. Even my “bad” days aren’t that bad, because I know I’m loved and things can still be good. 

These changes have brought about a lot of joy and faithfulness in every outlook of my mind. I face challenges with an optimistic perception and laugh in the face of fear. I’m growing into this shell of a loving heart and soul that I’ve always had and it feels good. I’m thriving, not merely surviving. 

I mean, Jesus tells the story of the prodigal son for a reason. No matter what we’ve done, we can still come home because we are wrapped in loving,

         boundless,

                        endless,

                                      grace.

11 Common Thoughts While Living On Campus

I think I am losing my mind.


1. Do quiet hours really exist?

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The RA’s don’t always monitor for quiet hours… like once, there were 3 freshman riding up and down my hall yelling “would you like to buy from the trolley” in a shopping cart at 1 am.

2. I think I’m getting sick again….

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When you live in such close quarters for 9 months of the year, you begin to accept the inevitable doom of catching whatever bug is going around.

3. Why are we willingly living in a room the size of a walk in closet?

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When inviting friends over, it’s like playing human tetris with the space not already occupied by furniture.

4. Cleaning your room is nearly impossible.

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I’m generally a clean person and not being able to tidy up (because only half the room is acceptable to touch) drives me up the wall.

5. What’s sleep????

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I didn’t believe I could sleep less in college than I did in high school, but oh boy have I proven myself wrong. BUT HEY! My grades are pretty spiffy and I adore my friends so it’s worth it.

6. I didn’t realize how badly I wanted to take a bath until I couldn’t anymore.

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Bath tubs don’t exist in college. If you want a bathtub, your only option is to just set up an inflatable pool in your room and hope for the best.

7. The dining hall is just a hot mess.

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It’s too far away (seriously, who wants to walk across the street for food?), serves food I’ve never even heard of, and it’s honestly questionable to eat sometimes.

8. Inspections are coming- better clean the easy half of the bathroom. 

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If you’re like me and have roommates, you make sure to check when inspections are and race to see who gets to the mirror and sink first- no one likes cleaning the shower or toilet.

9. Aren’t the lounges supposed to be shared?? 

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There’s always this guy. Or people who spend 12 hours in the same lounge, staring at their phones until you want to use the TV so they’re all of a sudden “watching a movie”.

10. I’ll just do my laundry next week. 

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I honestly believe that laundry is the worst part of the week. Not to mention, there’s always those people who take 50 washers so no one else can do laundry.

11. If I stay here much longer, I’m going to lose it

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College has been… interesting.